You might be a D-Bag if you're a Rock Climber...

So, I like to climb things. Usually those things are rocks, mountains, boulders, etc.
Sometimes those things are trees, buildings, poles, people...
Generally the best time to do this climbing is when it's warm (duh).
For the rest of the seasons we have a wonderful place known as an indoor climbing gym! YAY QUARRY!

The climbing gym is great if you need a quick workout and don't have time to hike all the way to an actual outdoor route. Actually that is a lie... the hiking part is nothing, I mean I have mountains in my backyard. The problem lies in the unpacking the rope and draws and repacking once done. That's just a huge pain in my A**! Back to my point though... I go to the gym almost every day and the people I meet never fail to blow my mind!

My naive mind used to think there could only be one type of douche bag. Imagine my surprise when my eyes were opened to the infinite realm of douche bags! They are everywhere!!! They come in many shapes, sizes, colors... and the climbing gym is like the WalMart of douchebag vendors.

Usually I warm up on easy routes before tackling my harder projects. This involves some easier bouldering routes or an easy top-rope or lead route. If you have ever gone climbing before you will know that there is usually a small gaggle of guys that hang out near the bottom of your route pretending to "map out the beta" and as soon as you come down they are quick to say things like "man that was a gnarly route... how did you like that hold right at the crux?... yeah when I FLASHED that route I totally thought I was going to fall on that totally gnarly crimpy hold. Totally far out radical bro!" We shall refer to this group as DB-1

DB-1: The appearance of this group is impeccable. Not only do they spend a good 30 minutes fixing the bandanna on their head to look like freakin' Rambo, but the hair has been substantially combed through to perfection for that "I just got out of a canyon and a bear almost ate me" look. The attire consists of wife beaters and rolled up jeans that accentuate the massive muscles that have been sculpted via Gold's Gym and tanning beds. The vocabulary is rather minimal and makes one wonder about the validity of our public school systems. They love talking about the "gnarly" 10a they just flashed and how awesome they are. If you are picturing some guy literally kissing his biceps after rappelling down from a top-rope route... well then you've got it!

I love the DB-1 simply because they are entertaining to watch and listen to... I almost feel like I am watching a really bad episode of Jersey Shore. However, the DB-1 is trumped by the next group of douchebags that flock to indoor gyms.

DB-2: I absolutely love these DBs. Everyone knows this type... they stand around in the bouldering room with their arms folded talking to each other about how awesome that one route is and how that totally rocked it last week and "that is definitely not a V3- that has to be a v5 AT LEAST!". While you are climbing they sit and tell you EXACTLY what you are doing wrong and how you need to "engage your core more". When you are finished they LOVE to tell you the beta and how you would have completed it more smoothly if you would have done what THEY did. Then they take you to a V8 and tell you "yeah this is what I'm working on, I'll get it by next week but don't worry you will get there soon enough". BTW, you never see them climbing because they are always sitting in the middle of the floor talking about that awesome route that was just set by so and so and how they have been climbing all day so they aren't really up for it. ;)

DB-2 is definitely my favorite. I love them for the simple fact that when listening to them I break from hippie ways and have the strongest urge to just deck them in the face. Sometimes it is nice having that burst of rage. :)

DB-3: So this is where I claim myself as a douchebag! You didn't think I would sit here and sh*! talk everyone else and not saying anything about myself? puhlease... I am definitely that narcissistic. My friends and I fall under a very specific group of douchebags. We climb well and we climb often... and we are proud of it. Though I don't sit and tell everyone else how to DO the beta... I love showing them! ;) Our group will go out and climb anywhere we like and we are not afraid of kicking you off of your route. We do this by being as obnoxiously loud as possible. We also love to talk crap to each other (I call it constructive criticism) and whenever a newbie is out with us we love to warn them about those darn cliff badgers that hide in the pockets waiting to bite their fingers off. Our tag lines consist of: "I may only be a 12A climber... but I am a darn good 15b belayer!" or... "Really?! REALLY?! you're not coming down til you finish that route... I will tie you to a tree.. don't think I won't".

Let me just throw this out there... I am not a super judgmental person, but if you fall in the DB-1 or DB-2 group... I probably will cut your rope at some point in time... J/K that would be murder... but seriously... stop being such douchebags.

If you are a DB-3... well congratulations! YOU MADE IT.

Now for some pictures of what climbing does to your feet and knees! YAY!