Hopeless Romantic

I looked into the mirror this morning and I didn't like what I saw.  For years, I have identified myself as a strong, independent person, set on becoming a name not easily forgotten.  What I saw this morning was a person that has become so engrossed with fear that the only safe haven ahead is along a road of mediocre living and unaccomplished goals.  I ask myself why I have become so bitter? What has led me to believe that I am unworthy of greatness?

I fell in love this summer.  I found him.  The other half that Zeus took away from me in the beginning of time.
The world became something that was conquerable.  All paths were illuminated and I was ready to walk down the roads less traveled.  Suddenly, every idea I have ever had about being alone and being accepting of that was void.  In him, new calculations began forming.  I saw a life that would be magical and so full of love that my heart would surely implode.  This love made me say to myself "I don't think I've been alive until this moment".

Then it happened, I slipped back into the monotony.  I don't know what came over me.  I started to slowly replace those feelings with planning for a wedding, school, and other things that invariably would bring us into debt and further from one another.  I think I became so enamored with the idea of planning the "next step" in our lives, that I forgot the love that had so ardently taken over my life.  Because of this, I have become so stressed and anxious.  Subsequently, I have fought with my love, and now we both have cold feet.

I look at these two pivotal points in my new found relationship, and I see the problem.  We are so young.  Why is the world caught up in getting married, having babies, and mortgages? I wanted to play house and be the "married" couple, but without the whole responsibility.  I don't want a wedding! I don't want a house payment! I want to be free... and I want to be free with him.  I was intent on the idea that being with your soul-mate comes with a price tag and a white veil.  It doesn't.  I've realized that we must not lose sight of what we have always wanted to accomplish in life.  Yes, I have found my love.  But, I'm not going to give up on my dreams of greatness.

I refuse to be the person that gives up after the honeymoon period is over.  This love is going to last all of eternity.  I want to be able to look at myself and know that the world is something still within my reach... within our reach.

I am taking a step back now.  If I look a little sideways at the mirror, I can still see it.  I can still see who I want to be.  I have promised myself that I will be free and spontaneous again.  With my lover's hand in mine, we will conquer the world.  If that means we live in a Volkswagen van and have only our love and ramen noodles to keep us alive, well, I think it's worth the risk.